2012 lines
41 KiB
Plaintext
2012 lines
41 KiB
Plaintext
1
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00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:09,360
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[Amiga CD32 startup jingle]
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2
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00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:14,820
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"Commodore" - once the most popular name in the home computer industry.
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3
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00:00:14,820 --> 00:00:17,960
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Throughout the '80s, it held its own against industry giants,
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4
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00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:24,360
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and etched its place in video game history, with the VIC-20, Commodore 64, and Amiga line of computers.
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5
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00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:29,560
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Though sadly, as time went on, the company went from competing with the likes of Apple and IBM...
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6
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00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,700
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...to just becoming "BM".
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7
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00:00:31,780 --> 00:00:33,860
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After the video game crash of the '80s,
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8
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00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:36,160
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companies emerged, like Nintendo and Sega,
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9
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00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,360
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to pick up the pieces and resurrect the dying industry.
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10
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00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:45,140
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Commodore would try to hang in there, but it ended up crumbling, like a week-old cat barf on a carpet.
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11
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00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,960
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So what went wrong?
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12
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00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,360
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How could a company that once ruled the home computer industry,
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13
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00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,800
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be reduced to a small footnote in video game history?
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14
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00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:56,780
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You wanna know the answer?
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15
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00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,300
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The Amiga CD32.
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16
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00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:01,560
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Yeah.
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17
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,959
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This thing was the straw that broke the camel's back.
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18
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00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,140
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The shit-caked baby-wipe that ruptured the septic tank.
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19
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00:01:08,740 --> 00:01:12,000
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After declining sales in the late
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'80s and early '90s,
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20
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00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,240
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Commodore decided to take a stab at console production.
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21
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00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,300
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The CD32 was released in Europe and Canada in September of '93,
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22
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00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,520
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and slated to release in the US early the next year.
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23
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00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:23,760
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But guess what?
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24
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00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,220
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It never happened.
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25
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00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,340
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Commodore wasn't allowed to release it in the US
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26
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00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:31,300
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until they paid ten million dollars in back-owed patent royalties.
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27
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00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:37,920
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On top of that, the system was discontinued only EIGHT months after being released, bankrupting the company.
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28
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00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:43,480
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This console is such a joke, that it ruined one of the biggest computer companies of all time,
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29
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00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,040
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in less than a year.
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30
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00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:51,100
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Even if it did come out in the US, the original retail price for this monstrosity was $400!
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31
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00:01:51,100 --> 00:01:52,400
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And that's in '93!
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32
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00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:57,420
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Nowadays, with inflation, ballpark estimate that equals almost $700.
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33
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00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,540
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You could buy two PlayStation 4s for that price!
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34
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00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,880
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What were they thinking?!
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35
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00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,620
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Who in their right mind would buy this, when you can get a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis
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36
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00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,140
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for less than half the price?
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37
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00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:11,480
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And because I'm the Nerd, I'm gonna have to check out a stack of these games--
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38
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00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:13,080
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[scoffs]
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39
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00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,440
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[laughs] Look at this--! You can't make this stuff up! But somebody did.
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40
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00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:22,800
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Oh, and after this, ya gotta wash your hands because you can get pinkeye from touchin' all this fecal matter.
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41
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00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,620
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[rattling of plastic and grunting]
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42
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00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:31,640
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[sigh] Jesus Christ...
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43
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00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:36,000
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Oh... and then you gotta... adapt
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it-- ugh, its gonna a-adapt my swears...
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44
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00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,060
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Fuckin' bloody... cunt...
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45
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00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:39,900
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Bollocks... Wank!
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46
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00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:41,400
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WANK!
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47
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00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:42,740
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ARSE!
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48
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00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,200
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BOLLOCKS!
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49
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00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:52,680
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CUNT!
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50
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00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:00,160
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FUCK!!
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51
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00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,540
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[stammering] Wh-what is this... wait, the words are upside down...
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52
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00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:06,380
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Oh wait, n-- no, no, the CONTROLLER'S upside down!
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53
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00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:11,720
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Alright, well, let's try "Dangerous Streets".
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54
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00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,500
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Now that is ass!
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55
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00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,360
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[opens CD lid and puts the game in]
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56
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00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,360
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[rattling]
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57
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00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,300
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Where's the fuckin' power button?
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58
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00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,300
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Ugh, on the back?! Come on...
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59
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00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:23,520
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[turns on the console]
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60
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00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:29,220
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[Amiga CD32 startup jingle, again]
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61
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00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,260
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[impatient button mashing]
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62
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00:03:40,780 --> 00:03:42,380
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What the fuck? It won't start.
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63
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00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:43,940
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It won't start!
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64
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00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:46,020
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Start.
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65
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00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,040
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Start!
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66
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00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,780
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[frantic button mashing]
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67
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00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:51,400
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How do you start?
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68
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00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:58,160
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Ugh, that's perfect, I have to hold the disc hatch down... just to get the game to spin.
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69
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00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:00,760
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What, did I really expect this thing to work?
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70
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00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,600
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I don't even wanna play this piece of fuck to begin with,
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71
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:07,460
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let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function!
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72
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00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:15,240
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There we go, the brand new CD32 add-on:
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A paint can.
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73
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00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,820
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It's like the hillbilly cousin of the 32X.
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74
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00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:22,380
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So here we go, the first game on the garbage pile: "Dangerous Streets"!
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75
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00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:25,640
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Press the "Fire" button... okay, well... which button is that?
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76
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00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:34,900
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Is it the "312" button, or the curly arrow button, or the arrow pointing at the line button, or the square button?
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77
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00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,100
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Have they ever seen the fuckin' alphabet?!
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78
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00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,300
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They could've just called it "A", "B", "C", "D"!
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79
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00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:46,020
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I'll just call it "green", "yellow", "red", "blue"; so if you guessed the fire button was the down arrow pointing at the line button, you win a prize!
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80
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00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:50,360
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And... that prize is footage of the shittiest fighting game...
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81
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00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:51,780
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...ever made!
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82
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00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:56,400
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Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen.
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83
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00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:01,600
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Lookin' back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, each game had a group of memorable characters,
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84
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00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,440
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like: "RYU!", Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang!
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85
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00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:13,920
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This game has futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Ass Cheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with his pants undone, and a Native American guy takin' a shit!
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86
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00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,140
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And there's this guy who was born in Pennsylvania...
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87
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00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,080
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...which just confuses the shit outta me.
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88
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00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:20,780
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This game is a complete mess.
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89
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00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,900
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The buttons seem to do random things.
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90
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00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:26,020
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The green and yellow buttons are "Standing Punch" and "Ducking Punch".
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91
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00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:30,200
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The blue ones sometimes makes you kick, jump, or... glow.
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92
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00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:32,180
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I dunno what the hell's goin' on.
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93
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00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,440
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What blows my mind is that the game came out in '94.
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94
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00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,480
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By the time it was out, we already had:
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95
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00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,460
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"Super Street Fighter 2: Turbo" and "Mortal Kombat II".
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96
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00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:44,020
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I mean, for fuck's sake! That's the same year "Killer Instinct" came out!
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97
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00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:50,460
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How, in the sweet name, of merciful shit,
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could they fuck up a fighting game, this bad, by then?
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98
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00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,000
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This is already one of the worst games I've ever played in my entire life,
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99
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00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:56,740
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and it's the first thing I popped in on this system.
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100
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00:05:57,140 --> 00:06:03,620
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I dunno what to do; I just mash buttons, but the sad thing, the in-game character looks just as confused as I.
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101
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00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:05,380
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And not to mention, I keep winning.
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102
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00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:11,640
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Also, this game is running on what is
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essentially an early PC made into a gaming console.
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103
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00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,540
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It even says "32bits" on the top of it.
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104
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00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,120
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But it looks worse than most 16-bit games.
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105
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00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:22,100
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Could you imagine spending 400 of your hard-earned dollars, plus another 20 or so for this game?
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106
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00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:27,180
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So I'm up to the guy "from Pennsylvania", and he's the cheapest piece of shit ever.
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107
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00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:33,780
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Apparently, there are special moves in the game, but good luck figuring them out! It takes a button combination just to kick!
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108
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00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:36,180
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Oh, and when you lose, it's back to the beginning.
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109
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00:06:36,180 --> 00:06:37,120
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No continues.
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110
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00:06:37,420 --> 00:06:38,340
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I just don't get it!
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111
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00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,480
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Do people actually SET OUT to make a game this bad?
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112
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00:06:41,740 --> 00:06:49,280
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Did someone consciously decide they wanted to take everything that had been done RIGHT in video games, and empty their colonic contents all over it?
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113
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00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:55,040
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The only thing I like about this game, is the horrible voice samples they use for the versus screen.
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114
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00:06:55,460 --> 00:06:56,480
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They're hilarious!
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115
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00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,020
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"Spiosa Capeli!"
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116
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00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,460
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"Vesus!(?)"
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117
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00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,300
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"Keo!"
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118
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00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:02,700
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"Minae!(?)"
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119
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00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,340
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"Tony!"
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120
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00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:05,840
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"Luisa!"
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121
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00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:07,340
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"Macalosh!"
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122
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00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,440
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"Ombra!!!"
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123
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00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,540
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Alright, on to the next game!
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124
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00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,840
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Here we go, "Super Putty"!
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125
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00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,520
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Or "Look out, it's... Putty"?
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126
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00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,500
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If you don't press Start, the game sends you to an unskippable demo mode.
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127
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00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:22,320
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Seriously!
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128
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00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:25,600
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If you try to hit the Start button, it just pauses the demo!
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129
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00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:26,620
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Why?!
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130
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00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:33,240
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I hit the Start button because I wanted to "start" the game, not pause the demo!
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131
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00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,740
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Why would you ever want to pause a demo?!
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132
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00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:42,220
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If you waited this long, your punishment is
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you have to watch this demo!
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133
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00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:45,140
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It's actually faster to reset the game.
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134
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00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:46,840
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"Too Bad!"
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135
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00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,020
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[cartoon jingle]
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136
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00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:51,400
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And the game, itself, is a drugged up fever dream.
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137
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00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:56,080
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You play as a blue ball who walks around hitting mushrooms with its punching glove boner.
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138
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00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:57,420
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And look up there!
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139
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00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,480
|
|
"Pliability"?
|
|
|
|
140
|
|
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:04,480
|
|
Oh, of course, y'know like "Health", "Stamina", "Energy"... "Pliability".
|
|
|
|
141
|
|
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:10,380
|
|
So, when you punch these things, for some reason, they turn into babies, and then you eat the babies.
|
|
|
|
142
|
|
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,400
|
|
You EAT the babies?!
|
|
|
|
143
|
|
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,900
|
|
Or absorb them, or whatever the Hell he's doin'!
|
|
|
|
144
|
|
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,480
|
|
But if you don't, the babies explode!
|
|
|
|
145
|
|
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,060
|
|
This game is fucked up!
|
|
|
|
146
|
|
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,500
|
|
The sound in this game is atrocious.
|
|
|
|
147
|
|
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:29,660
|
|
The sound of the babies crying, the sound when you get hurt, the jumping sound, the constant "boinging", I'm goin' fucking mad, I tell you!
|
|
|
|
148
|
|
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:30,760
|
|
[baby cries as it explodes]
|
|
|
|
149
|
|
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:31,660
|
|
"Too bad!"
|
|
|
|
150
|
|
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:34,280
|
|
"Jussst missed it!" [mockingly laughs]
|
|
|
|
151
|
|
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:39,839
|
|
Oooo... kaaay... well, enough of this.
|
|
|
|
152
|
|
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,600
|
|
Next up, we got "Morph".
|
|
|
|
153
|
|
00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,100
|
|
It starts off with this horrifying cutscene.
|
|
|
|
154
|
|
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:52,320
|
|
This weird kid shows up at this creepy old man's house and it looks kinda like Doc and Mharti, if they were crossbred with the Minions.
|
|
|
|
155
|
|
00:08:52,580 --> 00:09:00,400
|
|
So the kid stands on a teleporter, so they're doin' "The Fly" (1986) thing and the whole thing blows up, turning you into a ball that can shape-shift!
|
|
|
|
156
|
|
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:01,300
|
|
Yeah...
|
|
|
|
157
|
|
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,800
|
|
So the game's basically a Puzzle-Platformer;
|
|
|
|
158
|
|
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:08,080
|
|
where you can transform into different kinds of balls that each have a different ability.
|
|
|
|
159
|
|
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,960
|
|
Ya have to find a specific item in each level, and complete it without using too many transformations.
|
|
|
|
160
|
|
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,620
|
|
So, it's kinda of a neat idea...
|
|
|
|
161
|
|
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,800
|
|
...maybe if it wasn't on the CD32!
|
|
|
|
162
|
|
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,420
|
|
Next, we got "Naughty Ones"!
|
|
|
|
163
|
|
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:25,600
|
|
It starts with this cutesy cutscene, set to the creepiest possible music...
|
|
|
|
164
|
|
00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:28,260
|
|
[unfitting creepy music]
|
|
|
|
165
|
|
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:30,140
|
|
[followed by a large string]
|
|
|
|
166
|
|
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,200
|
|
Then, at the menu, it has this upbeat
|
|
reggae tune.
|
|
|
|
167
|
|
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,420
|
|
[strange upbeat music]
|
|
|
|
168
|
|
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,060
|
|
The game's pretty much a basic Action-Platformer.
|
|
|
|
169
|
|
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:43,900
|
|
Just find the key in each level and then head to the door.
|
|
|
|
170
|
|
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,360
|
|
It's not too bad.
|
|
|
|
171
|
|
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,980
|
|
It kinda has a "Bubble Bobble" feel to it with the graphics and the gameplay.
|
|
|
|
172
|
|
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:52,380
|
|
However, one annoying thing, is it uses "Up" as the "Jump Button".
|
|
|
|
173
|
|
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:58,980
|
|
Actually, of all the games I've talked about, so far, only one game DIDN'T use up as a jump button,
|
|
|
|
174
|
|
00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:02,200
|
|
and it was the FIGHTING game - the only one where jump should have been "Up"!
|
|
|
|
175
|
|
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:05,940
|
|
So anyway, this one's okay and gets a pass.
|
|
|
|
176
|
|
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,120
|
|
On to the next piece of technological torture:
|
|
|
|
177
|
|
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:09,820
|
|
"Beavers".
|
|
|
|
178
|
|
00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:12,040
|
|
They're a hip band o' beavers!
|
|
|
|
179
|
|
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,920
|
|
"BeaverMania hits the UK!!"
|
|
|
|
180
|
|
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,100
|
|
But that pisses off the rabbits!
|
|
|
|
181
|
|
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,860
|
|
So here we go! Here's another cute cutscene:
|
|
|
|
182
|
|
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,500
|
|
a beaver comes home to his family.
|
|
|
|
183
|
|
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,260
|
|
He just puts his... lunch box, or whatever it is, on the floor...
|
|
|
|
184
|
|
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:26,140
|
|
...picks it up...
|
|
|
|
185
|
|
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,680
|
|
...he puts it down, again...
|
|
|
|
186
|
|
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:28,580
|
|
...and...
|
|
|
|
187
|
|
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,080
|
|
...oh...
|
|
|
|
188
|
|
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,580
|
|
This mean rabbit comes in and--
|
|
|
|
189
|
|
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:34,580
|
|
Ooohh...
|
|
|
|
190
|
|
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,060
|
|
...shit!
|
|
|
|
191
|
|
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,800
|
|
I'm not seein' this, man! [You're definitely seein' this, Nerd.]
|
|
|
|
192
|
|
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:44,700
|
|
*ohh, that's bad!
|
|
|
|
193
|
|
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,600
|
|
*
|
|
|
|
194
|
|
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:48,760
|
|
No...!
|
|
|
|
195
|
|
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,000
|
|
...That didn't happen!
|
|
|
|
196
|
|
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:53,680
|
|
The fuck, dude?!
|
|
|
|
197
|
|
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,520
|
|
Oh-ho, shit!
|
|
|
|
198
|
|
00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:58,520
|
|
Ooooooh!
|
|
|
|
199
|
|
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,420
|
|
Boy, is that jarring!
|
|
|
|
200
|
|
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:06,900
|
|
It's like these games can't figure out if they wanna be "cartoony and cute" or fucking horrifying!
|
|
|
|
201
|
|
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,600
|
|
Oh-! Oh, what the Hell?!
|
|
|
|
202
|
|
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,760
|
|
Oh, and look how fast the game starts!
|
|
|
|
203
|
|
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:14,660
|
|
If you don't keep up, ya die; the edge of the
|
|
screen kills you.
|
|
|
|
204
|
|
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:19,520
|
|
Shit flies at you from any which way, and pretty much anything you can touch can hurt you.
|
|
|
|
205
|
|
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:23,300
|
|
You're supposedly able to do a spin attack, but it doesn't work at all.
|
|
|
|
206
|
|
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,260
|
|
I can't even beat the first level!
|
|
|
|
207
|
|
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:29,280
|
|
And if I didn't already make it clear: the purpose of the game is to rescue your wife,
|
|
|
|
208
|
|
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:34,020
|
|
but I don't think this beaver's gettin' his wife back, because I can't put myself through any more of this torture.
|
|
|
|
209
|
|
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,960
|
|
Well... that's it.
|
|
|
|
210
|
|
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,340
|
|
If you're expecting me to make some kind of beaver joke,
|
|
|
|
211
|
|
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,480
|
|
no, because this is high-class Internet content.
|
|
|
|
212
|
|
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960
|
|
Now, enough of this poop-fuck-shit-diarrhea-cunt fuck!
|
|
|
|
213
|
|
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:48,880
|
|
Well, now that I got that out of my system,
|
|
|
|
214
|
|
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,520
|
|
now it's time to move on to the real meat of
|
|
the CD32.
|
|
|
|
215
|
|
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:56,880
|
|
Any fan of first-person shooters knows
|
|
about the Big Fucking Game of them all:
|
|
|
|
216
|
|
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:57,680
|
|
"DOOM".
|
|
|
|
217
|
|
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,680
|
|
But have you ever played "Gloom"?
|
|
|
|
218
|
|
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,400
|
|
Not at all like Doom!
|
|
|
|
219
|
|
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,580
|
|
No, this is a totally different thing!
|
|
|
|
220
|
|
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,700
|
|
This is "Gloom"!
|
|
|
|
221
|
|
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,260
|
|
When the game starts, it plays this weird happy ass music.
|
|
|
|
222
|
|
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:11,740
|
|
Naughty Ones has scary ass music,
|
|
|
|
223
|
|
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:16,640
|
|
but Gloom has happy ass music, and it plays before every single level!
|
|
|
|
224
|
|
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:19,960
|
|
Also, is he gonna... kill those guys or are they his squad mates?
|
|
|
|
225
|
|
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,560
|
|
They look like they're on the same team.
|
|
|
|
226
|
|
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,100
|
|
Why not make them a different color if
|
|
they're an enemy?
|
|
|
|
227
|
|
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:28,560
|
|
So, you play as this Space Marine type guy and kill other Space Marine guys.
|
|
|
|
228
|
|
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,500
|
|
It looks horrible, and it's like the main character is severely near-sighted.
|
|
|
|
229
|
|
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:36,280
|
|
You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health.
|
|
|
|
230
|
|
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,000
|
|
What is this, like a spoof?
|
|
|
|
231
|
|
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,280
|
|
Like "PO'ed"?
|
|
|
|
232
|
|
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:44,180
|
|
Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts, but that was done ON PURPOSE as a parody.
|
|
|
|
233
|
|
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:48,720
|
|
This one; it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece-of-shit Doom knock-off!
|
|
|
|
234
|
|
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:53,880
|
|
This game's nice and gory though - every time you shoot someone they explode into a million pieces.
|
|
|
|
235
|
|
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,340
|
|
Sadly, it's repetitive as all hell and every level looks the same.
|
|
|
|
236
|
|
00:12:57,340 --> 00:13:00,900
|
|
In the first one, you just run to the other side of the room and it's over!
|
|
|
|
237
|
|
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:04,580
|
|
Imagine completing a whole level of Doom in ten seconds!
|
|
|
|
238
|
|
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:10,180
|
|
Oh, but in the second level you have to hit the switch BEFORE you run to the door, ooohhhh!
|
|
|
|
239
|
|
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,320
|
|
Now it's givin' Doom a run for its money!
|
|
|
|
240
|
|
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:15,620
|
|
When you pause, you can change some of the graphics options.
|
|
|
|
241
|
|
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,840
|
|
This makes the game run smoother, but it looks even more blurry.
|
|
|
|
242
|
|
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,820
|
|
Also, you can rid of the ceiling and floor.
|
|
|
|
243
|
|
00:13:21,829 --> 00:13:24,700
|
|
I guess it's supposed to make the graphics
|
|
look better...?
|
|
|
|
244
|
|
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:28,560
|
|
But it still looks like I ate broken glass and then shit it into my eyeballs.
|
|
|
|
245
|
|
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,260
|
|
Am I must emphasize: this was a PC company.
|
|
|
|
246
|
|
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,400
|
|
This game is giving me a headache to look at it, and I think my vision has actually gotten worse because of it.
|
|
|
|
247
|
|
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:42,100
|
|
I'd sue for damages, but I'm pretty sure this company's gone out of business, long ago.
|
|
|
|
248
|
|
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,020
|
|
The only thing left worth noting is the Violence Option.
|
|
|
|
249
|
|
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,760
|
|
You have "Meaty" or "Messy".
|
|
|
|
250
|
|
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,360
|
|
With "Meaty", they explode and disappear.
|
|
|
|
251
|
|
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,800
|
|
With "Messy", the chunks stay on the ground.
|
|
|
|
252
|
|
00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:55,680
|
|
Also, it slows the game down after you kill too many people.
|
|
|
|
253
|
|
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:56,660
|
|
So, yeah.
|
|
|
|
254
|
|
00:13:56,780 --> 00:14:01,060
|
|
Gloom is a cheap knock-off that doesn't even do a good job at BEING a knock-off.
|
|
|
|
255
|
|
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,340
|
|
On to the next one.
|
|
|
|
256
|
|
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,500
|
|
Ugh... this one's a double-disk.
|
|
|
|
257
|
|
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,380
|
|
Woah. So much value.
|
|
|
|
258
|
|
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:09,280
|
|
I should've just lit that money on fire and pissed on it.
|
|
|
|
259
|
|
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,280
|
|
Okay, so we'll start with "Diggers".
|
|
|
|
260
|
|
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,660
|
|
Oh, it's like Lemmings (1991), or somethin', I think... [A more bit similar to Dig Dug, actually.]
|
|
|
|
261
|
|
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,060
|
|
You go to this guy,
|
|
|
|
262
|
|
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:16,320
|
|
click some things,
|
|
|
|
263
|
|
00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:17,840
|
|
then make your guy dig.
|
|
|
|
264
|
|
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:21,740
|
|
It'd be more fun to actually go outside and dig a hole than play this.
|
|
|
|
265
|
|
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,220
|
|
Fuck it; on to "Oscar".
|
|
|
|
266
|
|
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:24,780
|
|
Oh, God, no...
|
|
|
|
267
|
|
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:27,800
|
|
"Flair" - the same company that made "Dangerous Streets".
|
|
|
|
268
|
|
00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:31,060
|
|
Oooohhh! Now THAT's a horrible character.
|
|
|
|
269
|
|
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:39,060
|
|
Seems like everybody was tryna be the CD32's mascot, but being the mascot of CD32 is like being the mascot for a Porta Potty company.
|
|
|
|
270
|
|
00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:40,800
|
|
Actually, I take that back.
|
|
|
|
271
|
|
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,220
|
|
It would be better to be a Porta Potty mascot than be featured on this cockamamy console!
|
|
|
|
272
|
|
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:46,760
|
|
Okay, let's start.
|
|
|
|
273
|
|
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,740
|
|
Take 69? Really?
|
|
|
|
274
|
|
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:52,600
|
|
This is the first level; they could've put "Take 1", but no, they chose "69".
|
|
|
|
275
|
|
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,580
|
|
On purpose!
|
|
|
|
276
|
|
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:58,760
|
|
Oh, for the love of fuck! Up is jump again. I'm convinced they're playing a joke!
|
|
|
|
277
|
|
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,000
|
|
So, here is!
|
|
|
|
278
|
|
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000
|
|
Oscar the... something.
|
|
|
|
279
|
|
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:06,240
|
|
He's not quite Sonic, he's not quite Bubsy, he's just...
|
|
|
|
280
|
|
00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:07,860
|
|
"Oscar."
|
|
|
|
281
|
|
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,320
|
|
The game controls worse than it looks.
|
|
|
|
282
|
|
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:15,720
|
|
And I keep runnin' into shit because the backgrounds are such a hodgepodge of vomit-inducing mishmash.
|
|
|
|
283
|
|
00:15:15,820 --> 00:15:21,360
|
|
The enemies are practically invisible, and I can't even get a minute into the first level before getting a game over.
|
|
|
|
284
|
|
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:26,280
|
|
The levels are all based on movie genres, like in "Gex" or "Spot Goes to Hollywood".
|
|
|
|
285
|
|
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:32,720
|
|
The first room is sci-fi-themed; you fight robots and what looks like the dog, Xenomorph from "Alien 3".
|
|
|
|
286
|
|
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,180
|
|
This one's horror-themed; there's dogs, chainsaws, and spooky ghosts.
|
|
|
|
287
|
|
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,080
|
|
I can't make much progress, here.
|
|
|
|
288
|
|
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,280
|
|
On top of the shitty controls, Oscar runs like he's on ice.
|
|
|
|
289
|
|
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:46,900
|
|
This game isn't the worst I've played, so far, but that's not a compliment.
|
|
|
|
290
|
|
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,380
|
|
It's like comparing solid shit logs to a diarrhea puddle.
|
|
|
|
291
|
|
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,020
|
|
They both smell awful, they're both disgusting,
|
|
|
|
292
|
|
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:58,420
|
|
but I guess I'd rather pick up a turd log and toss it out than have to sop up diarrhea with a paper towel.
|
|
|
|
293
|
|
00:15:58,960 --> 00:15:59,680
|
|
Next.
|
|
|
|
294
|
|
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,660
|
|
"Bubba 'N' Stix"! A game by Core Design.
|
|
|
|
295
|
|
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:06,740
|
|
Let's find out what's worse: this or "Angel of Darkness".
|
|
|
|
296
|
|
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,680
|
|
Stix kinda looks like bizarro Shit Pickle.
|
|
|
|
297
|
|
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,880
|
|
The artwork looks pretty cool, and the music is alright.
|
|
|
|
298
|
|
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:16,140
|
|
So... maybe this will actually be... a hidden gem.
|
|
|
|
299
|
|
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,880
|
|
Oh, please let it be good...!
|
|
|
|
300
|
|
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:19,620
|
|
Oh, my God...!
|
|
|
|
301
|
|
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,420
|
|
Oooh, my God!
|
|
|
|
302
|
|
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,420
|
|
It's actually GOOD!!!
|
|
|
|
303
|
|
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:24,340
|
|
[in a lower tone] Pretty good.
|
|
|
|
304
|
|
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:29,420
|
|
The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle-platformer, where you have to use Stix to get pass obstacles:
|
|
|
|
305
|
|
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:34,200
|
|
like using him [Stix] to pry this rock up or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform.
|
|
|
|
306
|
|
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,120
|
|
This part, right here is pretty funny.
|
|
|
|
307
|
|
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:40,020
|
|
Ya have to get close to these weird guys without interruptin' the conversation,
|
|
|
|
308
|
|
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,500
|
|
and then throw Stix, the character, at them.
|
|
|
|
309
|
|
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,340
|
|
The graphics are really nice, too.
|
|
|
|
310
|
|
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:48,280
|
|
It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar.
|
|
|
|
311
|
|
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,220
|
|
This is actually a good game.
|
|
|
|
312
|
|
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:53,740
|
|
At least until I get to the second level, and I can't figure out what to do.
|
|
|
|
313
|
|
00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:55,840
|
|
And I don't have the time to figure it out, so...
|
|
|
|
314
|
|
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,080
|
|
...oh well. I guess we gotta move on.
|
|
|
|
315
|
|
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:01,720
|
|
But I can give this one the Nerd stamp of "NOT Shit".
|
|
|
|
316
|
|
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,520
|
|
But now, we're gettin' down to the shitty gritty!
|
|
|
|
317
|
|
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:07,000
|
|
We have: "Surf Ninjas".
|
|
|
|
318
|
|
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,420
|
|
"Motosurf!"
|
|
|
|
319
|
|
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,220
|
|
Iggy: "Motosurf!" [♫ "Hit the Coast" ♫ by Tone Loc playing in the background]
|
|
|
|
320
|
|
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,280
|
|
That's right; they made a "Surf Ninjas" tie-in for this thing.
|
|
|
|
321
|
|
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,260
|
|
Nice word art on the title screen.
|
|
|
|
322
|
|
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,920
|
|
Is this a game, or a fourth-grade book report?
|
|
|
|
323
|
|
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,980
|
|
Oh, and it's by Flair, again.
|
|
|
|
324
|
|
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:24,660
|
|
I'm guessin' they were the "LJN" of CD32.
|
|
|
|
325
|
|
00:17:24,819 --> 00:17:26,879
|
|
Well, now I know it's gonna suck.
|
|
|
|
326
|
|
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,420
|
|
The first thing you have to do, is choose whether you wanna hear "Sound Effects", or "Music".
|
|
|
|
327
|
|
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,420
|
|
Uhh... can I have both?
|
|
|
|
328
|
|
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,400
|
|
The game barely resembles anything from the movie.
|
|
|
|
329
|
|
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:43,080
|
|
And when my complaint, is that the game is not like "Surf Ninjas", then you KNOW, we're really in bad shape!
|
|
|
|
330
|
|
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:44,660
|
|
Who are you supposed to be?
|
|
|
|
331
|
|
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,660
|
|
This isn't even a character from the movie!
|
|
|
|
332
|
|
00:17:46,820 --> 00:17:48,700
|
|
Is it supposed to be Ernie Reyes Jr.?
|
|
|
|
333
|
|
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,440
|
|
Or maybe it's Rob Schneider.
|
|
|
|
334
|
|
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:57,500
|
|
It's not confirmed, but it's PROBABLY true that this was actually another game before they turned it into Surf Ninjas.
|
|
|
|
335
|
|
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:03,020
|
|
Because that's what you wanna do; if you have a shitty game, might as well make it Surf Ninjas.
|
|
|
|
336
|
|
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:08,680
|
|
They probably just had some generic beat 'em up on a hard drive and slapped the "Surf Ninjas" name on it, last minute.
|
|
|
|
337
|
|
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,200
|
|
Kinda like "Doki Doki Panic", but it's "Dookie Dookie Panic"!
|
|
|
|
338
|
|
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:19,060
|
|
Ugh, it's another shitty shit joke, but not as shitty as a shitty movie-based game, based off a shitty move, "Surf Ninjas"!
|
|
|
|
339
|
|
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,240
|
|
Yeah, I know I talk about shit a lot, but I'm STARING at shit!
|
|
|
|
340
|
|
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:28,780
|
|
If you are looking at shit, would you be talking about butterflies or somethin'? No! I'm looking at shit, we're talkin' shit!
|
|
|
|
341
|
|
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:32,640
|
|
Okay, so I gotta calm myself down a little bit; the gameplay is monotonous.
|
|
|
|
342
|
|
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,120
|
|
I walk around fighting ninjas who kick my ass most the time.
|
|
|
|
343
|
|
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:40,060
|
|
Oh, and in most games, you die when the health bar goes down, right?
|
|
|
|
344
|
|
00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:44,820
|
|
Well, in this game, you die - whenever the game decides you're dead.
|
|
|
|
345
|
|
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:47,880
|
|
Look at this! I have life left, but I'm fucking dead!
|
|
|
|
346
|
|
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:53,880
|
|
Most of the time, your attacks don't even register, and when they do it takes forever, and a day, to kill the ninjas.
|
|
|
|
347
|
|
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,680
|
|
Look at this!
|
|
|
|
348
|
|
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,400
|
|
What is goin' on, here?!
|
|
|
|
349
|
|
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,040
|
|
Oh- wait, what?!
|
|
|
|
350
|
|
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,780
|
|
Did I just rip his heart out?!
|
|
|
|
351
|
|
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,440
|
|
That doesn't happen in the movie!
|
|
|
|
352
|
|
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,400
|
|
Does it?
|
|
|
|
353
|
|
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,940
|
|
I gotta find out, I'm gonna make a quick call, here.
|
|
|
|
354
|
|
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:08,800
|
|
[raises antenna]
|
|
|
|
355
|
|
00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:12,520
|
|
[telephone ringing]
|
|
|
|
356
|
|
00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:18,340
|
|
James: "This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking, how may I help you?"
|
|
|
|
357
|
|
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,820
|
|
AVGN: "Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question?"
|
|
|
|
358
|
|
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,380
|
|
James: "Sure thing! Go right ahead."
|
|
|
|
359
|
|
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,640
|
|
AVGN: "Have you ever watched the movie: 'Surf Ninjas'?"
|
|
|
|
360
|
|
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,600
|
|
James: (v/o) "Yeah... in fact...
|
|
|
|
361
|
|
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,360
|
|
(on-screen) I just had a chat with a buncha friends all about that.
|
|
|
|
362
|
|
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,920
|
|
Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie?
|
|
|
|
363
|
|
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,040
|
|
That would explain all the blue camouflaged--"
|
|
|
|
364
|
|
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,020
|
|
AVGN: (v/o) "Okay, okay! Look, look, look, look!
|
|
|
|
365
|
|
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:39,640
|
|
(on-screen) "I just wanna ask a fucking question!
|
|
|
|
366
|
|
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,840
|
|
In the movie, 'Surf Ninjas', does anybody rip someone's heart out?!
|
|
|
|
367
|
|
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,320
|
|
Kano Style!"
|
|
|
|
368
|
|
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:46,920
|
|
James: "Um...
|
|
|
|
369
|
|
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,580
|
|
No, I don't think that happened in the movie."
|
|
|
|
370
|
|
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,720
|
|
AVGN: [hangs up abruptly] "See? I knew it!"
|
|
|
|
371
|
|
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:52,820
|
|
James: "Hello?
|
|
|
|
372
|
|
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:54,660
|
|
Hello?
|
|
|
|
373
|
|
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:57,280
|
|
[sighs and hangs up] Wow!
|
|
|
|
374
|
|
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,820
|
|
What an asshole!"
|
|
|
|
375
|
|
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,860
|
|
So, back to the shit.
|
|
|
|
376
|
|
00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:04,480
|
|
Oh, and guess that? What button, do you think, the jump button is?
|
|
|
|
377
|
|
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,640
|
|
Take a guess.
|
|
|
|
378
|
|
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,620
|
|
"Up". Again.
|
|
|
|
379
|
|
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,680
|
|
But this time, they took it a step further.
|
|
|
|
380
|
|
00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:13,280
|
|
Jump HURTS you!
|
|
|
|
381
|
|
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,880
|
|
Yes, I am NOT kidding!
|
|
|
|
382
|
|
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,020
|
|
When you jump, you GET DAMAGED!
|
|
|
|
383
|
|
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:24,480
|
|
What moron decided that it was a good idea to make jumping hurt, you in a NINJA GAME?!
|
|
|
|
384
|
|
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:28,380
|
|
So, the whole point is to find items and bring them to the right places.
|
|
|
|
385
|
|
00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:34,220
|
|
Like here, you need to bring wax to the surfer who gives you change to give to the hobo, so you can get into his alley.
|
|
|
|
386
|
|
00:20:34,220 --> 00:20:38,940
|
|
The last guy in my way, is this dude with a truck who keeps asking you to bring him boxes.
|
|
|
|
387
|
|
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,600
|
|
Oh, c'mon man! There's a box right near you!
|
|
|
|
388
|
|
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,680
|
|
Are you so fucking lazy you can't
|
|
just walk over and get the box?!
|
|
|
|
389
|
|
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:50,740
|
|
Oh, but that's only one of them, because there's several scattered all over the place, and you have to find them all.
|
|
|
|
390
|
|
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:58,960
|
|
So after searching hours for the last one, I found that you need to get a key, and then go down to the hobo alley, and use it to open this door.
|
|
|
|
391
|
|
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:06,720
|
|
But how was I supposed to know that? This level is filled with doors that you can't go in, so when I first passed it, I thought it was just part of the scenery!
|
|
|
|
392
|
|
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,180
|
|
I had to replay this level EIGHT times.
|
|
|
|
393
|
|
00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:12,560
|
|
Checking every god damn door in town before I found it.
|
|
|
|
394
|
|
00:21:12,740 --> 00:21:15,300
|
|
And there it is, the last box.
|
|
|
|
395
|
|
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,180
|
|
Wait...
|
|
|
|
396
|
|
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:17,760
|
|
What...?
|
|
|
|
397
|
|
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,520
|
|
Is that a pixelated naked lady?
|
|
|
|
398
|
|
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,200
|
|
Okay, that made it worth it.
|
|
|
|
399
|
|
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,260
|
|
Next game.
|
|
|
|
400
|
|
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:26,900
|
|
Okay, now we have-
|
|
|
|
401
|
|
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:28,580
|
|
[laughs] Kang Fu--!
|
|
|
|
402
|
|
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:30,620
|
|
Ookaaaay!
|
|
|
|
403
|
|
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,500
|
|
First off, we need to talk about this cover art.
|
|
|
|
404
|
|
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:38,480
|
|
It's like a... shitty colored pencil sketch of a kangaroo with sunglasses.
|
|
|
|
405
|
|
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,240
|
|
And they must've been pretty proud of it,
|
|
|
|
406
|
|
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,140
|
|
because it's the title screen, too.
|
|
|
|
407
|
|
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:48,780
|
|
And not to mention, at the bottom of the cover, they single out the letters: G-R-E-E-D.
|
|
|
|
408
|
|
00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:51,700
|
|
So, the company who made this game is called "GREED".
|
|
|
|
409
|
|
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,880
|
|
On the back, it says this game shows the full "possibilities" of the CD32.
|
|
|
|
410
|
|
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,060
|
|
Oh, boy, I can't wait!
|
|
|
|
411
|
|
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,260
|
|
Okay...
|
|
|
|
412
|
|
00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:06,680
|
|
Is it gonna start?
|
|
|
|
413
|
|
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,540
|
|
It takes forever to start up.
|
|
|
|
414
|
|
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:15,880
|
|
I thought it was broken, because it stays on a black screen for almost two minutes.
|
|
|
|
415
|
|
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,020
|
|
But that's just how the game is.
|
|
|
|
416
|
|
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:19,460
|
|
[stammers]
|
|
|
|
417
|
|
00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:21,060
|
|
[then laughs]
|
|
|
|
418
|
|
00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:23,260
|
|
Wow...!
|
|
|
|
419
|
|
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,100
|
|
[stammers] O-o-oh, gosh! You could say this is random.
|
|
|
|
420
|
|
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:31,080
|
|
You got a spinning ball, scrolling pictures of kangaroos that keep glitching out,
|
|
|
|
421
|
|
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,320
|
|
And then, another black screen,
|
|
|
|
422
|
|
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,680
|
|
then a picture of a kangaroo,
|
|
|
|
423
|
|
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,680
|
|
then another black screen,
|
|
|
|
424
|
|
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,800
|
|
then the high score,
|
|
|
|
425
|
|
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:42,557
|
|
then ANOTHER black screen,
|
|
|
|
426
|
|
00:22:42,557 --> 00:22:45,100
|
|
and then, another kangaroo picture.
|
|
|
|
427
|
|
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,940
|
|
And then another black screen!
|
|
|
|
428
|
|
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:50,460
|
|
I'm not kidding! This is the actual game!
|
|
|
|
429
|
|
00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:55,500
|
|
Oh, and it's really showin' off all the possibilities of the CD32.
|
|
|
|
430
|
|
00:22:55,500 --> 00:23:01,380
|
|
For real! It's showing exactly how shitty a game can be for this console.
|
|
|
|
431
|
|
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,760
|
|
After eight and a half minutes, no exaggeration, I finally get to the start screen.
|
|
|
|
432
|
|
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,420
|
|
And, uh...
|
|
|
|
433
|
|
00:23:08,580 --> 00:23:09,080
|
|
What?
|
|
|
|
434
|
|
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,820
|
|
"Out of memory"?
|
|
|
|
435
|
|
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,220
|
|
What does "Out of memory" mean? Lemme check the instructions.
|
|
|
|
436
|
|
00:23:15,820 --> 00:23:24,020
|
|
"Open door, turn on CD32. Insert CD but WAIT with closing door till the music has played."
|
|
|
|
437
|
|
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:34,440
|
|
"Close door and game will boot automatically. Otherwise it will not boot due to a bug in the CD32 which will not free the memory as it should!"
|
|
|
|
438
|
|
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,280
|
|
This is historical.
|
|
|
|
439
|
|
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:45,960
|
|
Never... not once, have I ever had a game,
|
|
where the instructions tells you:
|
|
|
|
440
|
|
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:53,160
|
|
"By the way, this game is really fucked up, so you're gonna have to jump through all kinds of crazy hoops to get it to work!"
|
|
|
|
441
|
|
00:23:53,500 --> 00:24:00,720
|
|
So now, I gotta move my paint can, open the door 'til the music has played, close the door, and pop on the paint can.
|
|
|
|
442
|
|
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:05,100
|
|
This is not normal, but believe it or not, it actually works now.
|
|
|
|
443
|
|
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:08,440
|
|
And after all that, all the loading screens and everything,
|
|
|
|
444
|
|
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,000
|
|
it turns out to be...
|
|
|
|
445
|
|
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:13,320
|
|
...the worst game, of the ENTIRE stack.
|
|
|
|
446
|
|
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,120
|
|
It is... Un. Godly.
|
|
|
|
447
|
|
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:23,440
|
|
There is no style whatsoever. It is a complete mish-mash... of garbage!
|
|
|
|
448
|
|
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,160
|
|
Every character looks like they came from a different shitty game!
|
|
|
|
449
|
|
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:36,220
|
|
You fight weird cartoon chickens, dragon guys with axes, umbrellas, giant wasps, slinkies, and bouncing balls,
|
|
|
|
450
|
|
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,900
|
|
all on a realistic digitized backdrop.
|
|
|
|
451
|
|
00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:42,880
|
|
Like, t-this is too much to take in, so I'm just gonna give you a minute, just to breathe.
|
|
|
|
452
|
|
00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:44,940
|
|
[deep breath]
|
|
|
|
453
|
|
00:24:44,940 --> 00:24:45,640
|
|
Okay...
|
|
|
|
454
|
|
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,160
|
|
...you ready for me to continue?
|
|
|
|
455
|
|
00:24:47,740 --> 00:24:53,380
|
|
I've no idea what to do here. I just jump around, shooting a FUCKING MACHINE GUN!
|
|
|
|
456
|
|
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:59,040
|
|
Why is it called "Kang Fu", if he's not doin' kung fu? He-he's got a machine gun!
|
|
|
|
457
|
|
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,140
|
|
Pssh, oh, gosh.
|
|
|
|
458
|
|
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,540
|
|
Oh, I'd rather be playin' "Shaq Fu".
|
|
|
|
459
|
|
00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:06,580
|
|
I'd rather play "U2FU" and "Robin Williams Fu".
|
|
|
|
460
|
|
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:09,460
|
|
I thought I knew what bad games were.
|
|
|
|
461
|
|
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,440
|
|
I thought I was prepared... but I was wrong.
|
|
|
|
462
|
|
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,220
|
|
Oh, my God.
|
|
|
|
463
|
|
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,580
|
|
[breaks into laughter]
|
|
|
|
464
|
|
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,120
|
|
T-that game over screen...!
|
|
|
|
465
|
|
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,020
|
|
That is... I-I-I thought I've seen everything!
|
|
|
|
466
|
|
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:37,000
|
|
But they... they use a REAL... a ph-photo...
|
|
|
|
467
|
|
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,740
|
|
...yo-you go from a cartoony... kangaroo...
|
|
|
|
468
|
|
00:25:40,740 --> 00:25:45,480
|
|
...to a REAL picture, of a kangaroo skeleton in the fucking desert!
|
|
|
|
469
|
|
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,920
|
|
There is nothing you could ever tell me,
|
|
|
|
470
|
|
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:52,520
|
|
no proof you could present, that could
|
|
ever prove in my mind,
|
|
|
|
471
|
|
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:59,040
|
|
that the developers were NOT psychopaths, huffing the gallon of paint sitting on my CD32 right now.
|
|
|
|
472
|
|
00:25:59,180 --> 00:26:01,900
|
|
This was given a retail release.
|
|
|
|
473
|
|
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,120
|
|
People were able to buy this at a store!
|
|
|
|
474
|
|
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:10,220
|
|
The fact that I bought it, now, is one thing, but what if you bought this when it was new?
|
|
|
|
475
|
|
00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:14,600
|
|
What if it was your only game? Did anyone actually grow up with this thing?
|
|
|
|
476
|
|
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,340
|
|
Imagine the psychological effects!
|
|
|
|
477
|
|
00:26:17,980 --> 00:26:20,400
|
|
One more game: "Zool".
|
|
|
|
478
|
|
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:25,320
|
|
Well, it's pretty much the same as the Atari Jaguar "Zool 2", which I already covered before. [See "Episode 65".]
|
|
|
|
479
|
|
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,620
|
|
It's a basic Platformer-Action game.
|
|
|
|
480
|
|
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,320
|
|
It's so average, it doesn't even matter.
|
|
|
|
481
|
|
00:26:30,620 --> 00:26:34,040
|
|
I don't have much else to say 'bout it, so let's just pretend I said nothing.
|
|
|
|
482
|
|
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,760
|
|
In fact, let's just forget all about the Amiga CD32.
|
|
|
|
483
|
|
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,980
|
|
Which is one of the worst consoles... I've ever played.
|
|
|
|
484
|
|
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:45,280
|
|
It's the equivalent of hyena diarrhea, and you know what hyenas eat?
|
|
|
|
485
|
|
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,960
|
|
The leftover scraps of dead animals that predators didn't want.
|
|
|
|
486
|
|
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:56,720
|
|
So, imagine a hyena's... decaying intestinal tract, sprang liquefied death sauce out its shit chute,
|
|
|
|
487
|
|
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:57,960
|
|
and there you have...
|
|
|
|
488
|
|
00:26:58,260 --> 00:27:00,040
|
|
...the "Amiga CD32".
|
|
|
|
489
|
|
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:02,680
|
|
Fuck this thing; watch it go!
|
|
|
|
490
|
|
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:07,520
|
|
[bottles rattling]
|
|
|
|
491
|
|
00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:10,680
|
|
All right [signs].
|
|
|
|
492
|
|
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,100
|
|
Oh, that's right, I should have tossed this, shit too.
|
|
|
|
493
|
|
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,080
|
|
Huh?
|
|
|
|
494
|
|
00:27:15,580 --> 00:27:21,300
|
|
"Warning: do not play Track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player."
|
|
|
|
495
|
|
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:23,200
|
|
Huh?
|
|
|
|
496
|
|
00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:24,680
|
|
Why not?
|
|
|
|
497
|
|
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:27,300
|
|
I have to find out.
|
|
|
|
498
|
|
00:27:28,060 --> 00:27:31,620
|
|
[Ominous music]
|
|
|
|
499
|
|
00:27:31,780 --> 00:00:00,000
|
|
[loud drum beat]
|
|
|