1
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[Amiga CD32 startup jingle]

2
00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:14,820
"Commodore" - once the most popular name in the home computer industry.

3  
00:00:14,820 --> 00:00:17,960
Throughout the '80s, it held its own against industry giants,

4
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:24,360
and etched its place in video game history, with the VIC-20, Commodore 64, and Amiga line of computers.

5
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:29,560
Though sadly, as time went on, the company went from competing with the likes of Apple and IBM...

6
00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,700
...to just becoming "BM".

7
00:00:31,780 --> 00:00:33,860
After the video game crash of the '80s,

8
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:36,160
companies emerged, like Nintendo and Sega,

9
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,360
to pick up the pieces and resurrect the dying industry.

10
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:45,140
Commodore would try to hang in there, but it ended up crumbling, like a week-old cat barf on a carpet.

11
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,960
So what went wrong?

12
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,360
How could a company that once ruled the home computer industry,

13
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,800
be reduced to a small footnote in video game history?

14
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You wanna know the answer?

15
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The Amiga CD32.

16
00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:01,560
Yeah.

17
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,959
This thing was the straw that broke the camel's back.

18
00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,140
The shit-caked baby-wipe that ruptured the septic tank.

19
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After declining sales in the late
'80s and early '90s,

20
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Commodore decided to take a stab at console production.

21
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The CD32 was released in Europe and Canada in September of '93,

22
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and slated to release in the US early the next year.

23
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But guess what?

24
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It never happened.

25
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Commodore wasn't allowed to release it in the US

26
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until they paid ten million dollars in back-owed patent royalties.

27
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On top of that, the system was discontinued only EIGHT months after being released, bankrupting the company.

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This console is such a joke, that it ruined one of the biggest computer companies of all time,

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in less than a year.

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Even if it did come out in the US, the original retail price for this monstrosity was $400!

31
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And that's in '93!

32
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Nowadays, with inflation, ballpark estimate that equals almost $700.

33
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You could buy two PlayStation 4s for that price!

34
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What were they thinking?!

35
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Who in their right mind would buy this, when you can get a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis

36
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for less than half the price?

37
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And because I'm the Nerd, I'm gonna have to check out a stack of these games--

38
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[scoffs]

39
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[laughs] Look at this--! You can't make this stuff up! But somebody did.

40
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Oh, and after this, ya gotta wash your hands because you can get pinkeye from touchin' all this fecal matter.

41
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[rattling of plastic and grunting]

42
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[sigh] Jesus Christ...

43
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Oh... and then you gotta... adapt
it-- ugh, its gonna a-adapt my swears...

44
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Fuckin' bloody... cunt...

45
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Bollocks... Wank!

46
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WANK!

47
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ARSE!

48
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BOLLOCKS!

49
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CUNT!

50
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FUCK!!

51
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[stammering] Wh-what is this... wait, the words are upside down...

52
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:06,380
Oh wait, n-- no, no, the CONTROLLER'S upside down!

53
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Alright, well, let's try "Dangerous Streets".

54
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,500
Now that is ass!

55
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,360
[opens CD lid and puts the game in]

56
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[rattling]

57
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,300
Where's the fuckin' power button?

58
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Ugh, on the back?! Come on...

59
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[turns on the console]

60
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[Amiga CD32 startup jingle, again]

61
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[impatient button mashing]

62
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What the fuck? It won't start.

63
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It won't start!

64
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Start.

65
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Start!

66
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[frantic button mashing]

67
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How do you start?

68
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Ugh, that's perfect, I have to hold the disc hatch down... just to get the game to spin.

69
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What, did I really expect this thing to work?

70
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I don't even wanna play this piece of fuck to begin with,

71
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let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function!

72
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There we go, the brand new CD32 add-on: 
A paint can.

73
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It's like the hillbilly cousin of the 32X.

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So here we go, the first game on the garbage pile: "Dangerous Streets"!

75
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Press the "Fire" button... okay, well... which button is that?

76
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Is it the "312" button, or the curly arrow button, or the arrow pointing at the line button, or the square button?

77
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Have they ever seen the fuckin' alphabet?!

78
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They could've just called it "A", "B", "C", "D"!

79
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I'll just call it "green", "yellow", "red", "blue"; so if you guessed the fire button was the down arrow pointing at the line button, you win a prize!

80
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And... that prize is footage of the shittiest fighting game...

81
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...ever made!

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Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen.

83
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Lookin' back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, each game had a group of memorable characters,

84
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like: "RYU!", Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang!

85
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:13,920
This game has futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Ass Cheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with his pants undone, and a Native American guy takin' a shit!

86
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And there's this guy who was born in Pennsylvania...

87
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...which just confuses the shit outta me.

88
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This game is a complete mess.

89
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The buttons seem to do random things.

90
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The green and yellow buttons are "Standing Punch" and "Ducking Punch".

91
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The blue ones sometimes makes you kick, jump, or... glow.

92
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:32,180
I dunno what the hell's goin' on.

93
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,440
What blows my mind is that the game came out in '94.

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By the time it was out, we already had:

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"Super Street Fighter 2: Turbo" and "Mortal Kombat II".

96
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I mean, for fuck's sake! That's the same year "Killer Instinct" came out!

97
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:50,460
How, in the sweet name, of merciful shit,
could they fuck up a fighting game, this bad, by then?

98
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This is already one of the worst games I've ever played in my entire life,

99
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and it's the first thing I popped in on this system.

100
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I dunno what to do; I just mash buttons, but the sad thing, the in-game character looks just as confused as I.

101
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And not to mention, I keep winning.

102
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:11,640
Also, this game is running on what is
essentially an early PC made into a gaming console.

103
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,540
It even says "32bits" on the top of it.

104
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,120
But it looks worse than most 16-bit games.

105
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:22,100
Could you imagine spending 400 of your hard-earned dollars, plus another 20 or so for this game?

106
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:27,180
So I'm up to the guy "from Pennsylvania", and he's the cheapest piece of shit ever.

107
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:33,780
Apparently, there are special moves in the game, but good luck figuring them out! It takes a button combination just to kick!

108
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:36,180
Oh, and when you lose, it's back to the beginning.

109
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No continues.

110
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I just don't get it!

111
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,480
Do people actually SET OUT to make a game this bad?

112
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Did someone consciously decide they wanted to take everything that had been done RIGHT in video games, and empty their colonic contents all over it?

113
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:55,040
The only thing I like about this game, is the horrible voice samples they use for the versus screen.

114
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They're hilarious!

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"Spiosa Capeli!"

116
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"Vesus!(?)"

117
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"Keo!"

118
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"Minae!(?)"

119
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"Tony!"

120
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"Luisa!"

121
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"Macalosh!"

122
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"Ombra!!!"

123
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:11,540
Alright, on to the next game!

124
00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:13,840
Here we go, "Super Putty"!

125
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:16,520
Or "Look out, it's... Putty"?

126
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,500
If you don't press Start, the game sends you to an unskippable demo mode.

127
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Seriously!

128
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If you try to hit the Start button, it just pauses the demo!

129
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Why?!

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I hit the Start button because I wanted to "start" the game, not pause the demo!

131
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Why would you ever want to pause a demo?!

132
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If you waited this long, your punishment is
you have to watch this demo!

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It's actually faster to reset the game.

134
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"Too Bad!"

135
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[cartoon jingle]

136
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And the game, itself, is a drugged up fever dream.

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You play as a blue ball who walks around hitting mushrooms with its punching glove boner.

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And look up there!

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"Pliability"?

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Oh, of course, y'know like "Health", "Stamina", "Energy"... "Pliability".

141
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So, when you punch these things, for some reason, they turn into babies, and then you eat the babies.

142
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You EAT the babies?!

143
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Or absorb them, or whatever the Hell he's doin'!

144
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But if you don't, the babies explode!

145
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This game is fucked up!

146
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The sound in this game is atrocious.

147
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The sound of the babies crying, the sound when you get hurt, the jumping sound, the constant "boinging", I'm goin' fucking mad, I tell you!

148
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:30,760
[baby cries as it explodes]

149
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"Too bad!"

150
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"Jussst missed it!" [mockingly laughs]

151
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:39,839
Oooo... kaaay... well, enough of this.

152
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,600
Next up, we got "Morph".

153
00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,100
It starts off with this horrifying cutscene.

154
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:52,320
This weird kid shows up at this creepy old man's house and it looks kinda like Doc and Mharti, if they were crossbred with the Minions.

155
00:08:52,580 --> 00:09:00,400
So the kid stands on a teleporter, so they're doin' "The Fly" (1986) thing and the whole thing blows up, turning you into a ball that can shape-shift!

156
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:01,300
Yeah...

157
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,800
So the game's basically a Puzzle-Platformer;

158
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:08,080
where you can transform into different kinds of balls that each have a different ability.

159
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,960
Ya have to find a specific item in each level, and complete it without using too many transformations.

160
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,620
So, it's kinda of a neat idea...

161
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,800
...maybe if it wasn't on the CD32!

162
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,420
Next, we got "Naughty Ones"!

163
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:25,600
It starts with this cutesy cutscene, set to the creepiest possible music...

164
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[unfitting creepy music]

165
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:30,140
[followed by a large string]

166
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,200
Then, at the menu, it has this upbeat
reggae tune.

167
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,420
[strange upbeat music]

168
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,060
The game's pretty much a basic Action-Platformer.

169
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:43,900
Just find the key in each level and then head to the door.

170
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,360
It's not too bad.

171
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It kinda has a "Bubble Bobble" feel to it with the graphics and the gameplay.

172
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:52,380
However, one annoying thing, is it uses "Up" as the "Jump Button".

173
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:58,980
Actually, of all the games I've talked about, so far, only one game DIDN'T use up as a jump button,

174
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and it was the FIGHTING game - the only one where jump should have been "Up"!

175
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:05,940
So anyway, this one's okay and gets a pass.

176
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,120
On to the next piece of technological torture:

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00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:09,820
"Beavers".

178
00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:12,040
They're a hip band o' beavers!

179
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,920
"BeaverMania hits the UK!!"

180
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,100
But that pisses off the rabbits!

181
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,860
So here we go! Here's another cute cutscene:

182
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,500
a beaver comes home to his family.

183
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,260
He just puts his... lunch box, or whatever it is, on the floor...

184
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:26,140
...picks it up...

185
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,680
...he puts it down, again...

186
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:28,580
...and...

187
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,080
...oh...

188
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,580
This mean rabbit comes in and--

189
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:34,580
Ooohh...

190
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:36,060
...shit!

191
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,800
I'm not seein' this, man! [You're definitely seein' this, Nerd.]

192
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:44,700
*ohh, that's bad!

193
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,600
*

194
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:48,760
No...!

195
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,000
...That didn't happen!

196
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:53,680
The fuck, dude?!

197
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,520
Oh-ho, shit!

198
00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:58,520
Ooooooh!

199
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,420
Boy, is that jarring!

200
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:06,900
It's like these games can't figure out if they wanna be "cartoony and cute" or fucking horrifying!

201
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,600
Oh-! Oh, what the Hell?!

202
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,760
Oh, and look how fast the game starts!

203
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:14,660
If you don't keep up, ya die; the edge of the
screen kills you.

204
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:19,520
Shit flies at you from any which way, and pretty much anything you can touch can hurt you.

205
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:23,300
You're supposedly able to do a spin attack, but it doesn't work at all.

206
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,260
I can't even beat the first level!

207
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:29,280
And if I didn't already make it clear: the purpose of the game is to rescue your wife,

208
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:34,020
but I don't think this beaver's gettin' his wife back, because I can't put myself through any more of this torture.

209
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,960
Well... that's it.

210
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,340
If you're expecting me to make some kind of beaver joke,

211
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,480
no, because this is high-class Internet content.

212
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960
Now, enough of this poop-fuck-shit-diarrhea-cunt fuck!

213
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:48,880
Well, now that I got that out of my system,

214
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,520
now it's time to move on to the real meat of
the CD32.

215
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:56,880
Any fan of first-person shooters knows
about the Big Fucking Game of them all:

216
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:57,680
"DOOM".

217
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,680
But have you ever played "Gloom"?

218
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,400
Not at all like Doom!

219
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,580
No, this is a totally different thing!

220
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,700
This is "Gloom"!

221
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,260
When the game starts, it plays this weird happy ass music.

222
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:11,740
Naughty Ones has scary ass music,

223
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:16,640
but Gloom has happy ass music, and it plays before every single level!

224
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:19,960
Also, is he gonna... kill those guys or are they his squad mates?

225
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,560
They look like they're on the same team.

226
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,100
Why not make them a different color if
they're an enemy?

227
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:28,560
So, you play as this Space Marine type guy and kill other Space Marine guys.

228
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,500
It looks horrible, and it's like the main character is severely near-sighted.

229
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:36,280
You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health.

230
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,000
What is this, like a spoof?

231
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,280
Like "PO'ed"?

232
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:44,180
Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts, but that was done ON PURPOSE as a parody.

233
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:48,720
This one; it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece-of-shit Doom knock-off!

234
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:53,880
This game's nice and gory though - every time you shoot someone they explode into a million pieces.

235
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,340
Sadly, it's repetitive as all hell and every level looks the same.

236
00:12:57,340 --> 00:13:00,900
In the first one, you just run to the other side of the room and it's over!

237
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:04,580
Imagine completing a whole level of Doom in ten seconds!

238
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:10,180
Oh, but in the second level you have to hit the switch BEFORE you run to the door, ooohhhh!

239
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,320
Now it's givin' Doom a run for its money!

240
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:15,620
When you pause, you can change some of the graphics options.

241
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,840
This makes the game run smoother, but it looks even more blurry.

242
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,820
Also, you can rid of the ceiling and floor.

243
00:13:21,829 --> 00:13:24,700
I guess it's supposed to make the graphics
look better...?

244
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:28,560
But it still looks like I ate broken glass and then shit it into my eyeballs.

245
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,260
Am I must emphasize: this was a PC company.

246
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,400
This game is giving me a headache to look at it, and I think my vision has actually gotten worse because of it.

247
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:42,100
I'd sue for damages, but I'm pretty sure this company's gone out of business, long ago.

248
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,020
The only thing left worth noting is the Violence Option.

249
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,760
You have "Meaty" or "Messy".

250
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,360
With "Meaty", they explode and disappear.

251
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,800
With "Messy", the chunks stay on the ground.

252
00:13:52,060 --> 00:13:55,680
Also, it slows the game down after you kill too many people.

253
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:56,660
So, yeah.

254
00:13:56,780 --> 00:14:01,060
Gloom is a cheap knock-off that doesn't even do a good job at BEING a knock-off.

255
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,340
On to the next one.

256
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,500
Ugh... this one's a double-disk.

257
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,380
Woah. So much value.

258
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:09,280
I should've just lit that money on fire and pissed on it.

259
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,280
Okay, so we'll start with "Diggers".

260
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,660
Oh, it's like Lemmings (1991), or somethin', I think... [A more bit similar to Dig Dug, actually.]

261
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,060
You go to this guy,

262
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:16,320
click some things,

263
00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:17,840
then make your guy dig.

264
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:21,740
It'd be more fun to actually go outside and dig a hole than play this.

265
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,220
Fuck it; on to "Oscar".

266
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:24,780
Oh, God, no...

267
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:27,800
"Flair" - the same company that made "Dangerous Streets".

268
00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:31,060
Oooohhh! Now THAT's a horrible character.

269
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:39,060
Seems like everybody was tryna be the CD32's mascot, but being the mascot of CD32 is like being the mascot for a Porta Potty company.

270
00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:40,800
Actually, I take that back.

271
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,220
It would be better to be a Porta Potty mascot than be featured on this cockamamy console!

272
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:46,760
Okay, let's start.

273
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,740
Take 69? Really?

274
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:52,600
This is the first level; they could've put "Take 1", but no, they chose "69".

275
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,580
On purpose!

276
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:58,760
Oh, for the love of fuck! Up is jump again. I'm convinced they're playing a joke!

277
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,000
So, here is!

278
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000
Oscar the... something.

279
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:06,240
He's not quite Sonic, he's not quite Bubsy, he's just...

280
00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:07,860
"Oscar."

281
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,320
The game controls worse than it looks.

282
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:15,720
And I keep runnin' into shit because the backgrounds are such a hodgepodge of vomit-inducing mishmash.

283
00:15:15,820 --> 00:15:21,360
The enemies are practically invisible, and I can't even get a minute into the first level before getting a game over.

284
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:26,280
The levels are all based on movie genres, like in "Gex" or "Spot Goes to Hollywood".

285
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:32,720
The first room is sci-fi-themed; you fight robots and what looks like the dog, Xenomorph from "Alien 3".

286
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,180
This one's horror-themed; there's dogs, chainsaws, and spooky ghosts.

287
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,080
I can't make much progress, here.

288
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,280
On top of the shitty controls, Oscar runs like he's on ice.

289
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:46,900
This game isn't the worst I've played, so far, but that's not a compliment.

290
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,380
It's like comparing solid shit logs to a diarrhea puddle.

291
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,020
They both smell awful, they're both disgusting,

292
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:58,420
but I guess I'd rather pick up a turd log and toss it out than have to sop up diarrhea with a paper towel.

293
00:15:58,960 --> 00:15:59,680
Next.

294
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,660
"Bubba 'N' Stix"! A game by Core Design.

295
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:06,740
Let's find out what's worse: this or "Angel of Darkness".

296
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,680
Stix kinda looks like bizarro Shit Pickle.

297
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,880
The artwork looks pretty cool, and the music is alright.

298
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:16,140
So... maybe this will actually be... a hidden gem.

299
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,880
Oh, please let it be good...!

300
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:19,620
Oh, my God...!

301
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,420
Oooh, my God!

302
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,420
It's actually GOOD!!!

303
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:24,340
[in a lower tone] Pretty good.

304
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:29,420
The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle-platformer, where you have to use Stix to get pass obstacles:

305
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:34,200
like using him [Stix] to pry this rock up or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform.

306
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,120
This part, right here is pretty funny.

307
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:40,020
Ya have to get close to these weird guys without interruptin' the conversation,

308
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,500
and then throw Stix, the character, at them.

309
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,340
The graphics are really nice, too.

310
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:48,280
It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar.

311
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,220
This is actually a good game.

312
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:53,740
At least until I get to the second level, and I can't figure out what to do.

313
00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:55,840
And I don't have the time to figure it out, so...

314
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,080
...oh well. I guess we gotta move on.

315
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:01,720
But I can give this one the Nerd stamp of "NOT Shit".

316
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,520
But now, we're gettin' down to the shitty gritty!

317
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:07,000
We have: "Surf Ninjas".

318
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,420
"Motosurf!"

319
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,220
Iggy: "Motosurf!" [♫ "Hit the Coast" ♫ by Tone Loc playing in the background]

320
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,280
That's right; they made a "Surf Ninjas" tie-in for this thing.

321
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,260
Nice word art on the title screen.

322
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,920
Is this a game, or a fourth-grade book report?

323
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,980
Oh, and it's by Flair, again.

324
00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:24,660
I'm guessin' they were the "LJN" of CD32.

325
00:17:24,819 --> 00:17:26,879
Well, now I know it's gonna suck.

326
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,420
The first thing you have to do, is choose whether you wanna hear "Sound Effects", or "Music".

327
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,420
Uhh... can I have both?

328
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,400
The game barely resembles anything from the movie.

329
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:43,080
And when my complaint, is that the game is not like "Surf Ninjas", then you KNOW, we're really in bad shape!

330
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:44,660
Who are you supposed to be?

331
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,660
This isn't even a character from the movie!

332
00:17:46,820 --> 00:17:48,700
Is it supposed to be Ernie Reyes Jr.?

333
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,440
Or maybe it's Rob Schneider.

334
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:57,500
It's not confirmed, but it's PROBABLY true that this was actually another game before they turned it into Surf Ninjas.

335
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:03,020
Because that's what you wanna do; if you have a shitty game, might as well make it Surf Ninjas.

336
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:08,680
They probably just had some generic beat 'em up on a hard drive and slapped the "Surf Ninjas" name on it, last minute.

337
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,200
Kinda like "Doki Doki Panic", but it's "Dookie Dookie Panic"!

338
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:19,060
Ugh, it's another shitty shit joke, but not as shitty as a shitty movie-based game, based off a shitty move, "Surf Ninjas"!

339
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,240
Yeah, I know I talk about shit a lot, but I'm STARING at shit!

340
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:28,780
If you are looking at shit, would you be talking about butterflies or somethin'? No! I'm looking at shit, we're talkin' shit!

341
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:32,640
Okay, so I gotta calm myself down a little bit; the gameplay is monotonous.

342
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,120
I walk around fighting ninjas who kick my ass most the time.

343
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:40,060
Oh, and in most games, you die when the health bar goes down, right?

344
00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:44,820
Well, in this game, you die - whenever the game decides you're dead.

345
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:47,880
Look at this! I have life left, but I'm fucking dead!

346
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:53,880
Most of the time, your attacks don't even register, and when they do it takes forever, and a day, to kill the ninjas.

347
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,680
Look at this!

348
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,400
What is goin' on, here?!

349
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,040
Oh- wait, what?!

350
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,780
Did I just rip his heart out?!

351
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,440
That doesn't happen in the movie!

352
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,400
Does it?

353
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,940
I gotta find out, I'm gonna make a quick call, here.

354
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:08,800
[raises antenna]

355
00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:12,520
[telephone ringing]

356
00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:18,340
James: "This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking, how may I help you?"

357
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,820
AVGN: "Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question?"

358
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,380
James: "Sure thing! Go right ahead."

359
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,640
AVGN: "Have you ever watched the movie: 'Surf Ninjas'?"

360
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,600
James: (v/o) "Yeah... in fact...

361
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,360
(on-screen) I just had a chat with a buncha friends all about that.

362
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,920
Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie?

363
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,040
That would explain all the blue camouflaged--"

364
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,020
AVGN: (v/o) "Okay, okay! Look, look, look, look!

365
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:39,640
(on-screen) "I just wanna ask a fucking question!

366
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,840
In the movie, 'Surf Ninjas', does anybody rip someone's heart out?!

367
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,320
Kano Style!"

368
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:46,920
James: "Um...

369
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,580
No, I don't think that happened in the movie."

370
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,720
AVGN: [hangs up abruptly] "See? I knew it!"

371
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:52,820
James: "Hello?

372
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:54,660
Hello?

373
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:57,280
[sighs and hangs up] Wow!

374
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,820
What an asshole!"

375
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,860
So, back to the shit.

376
00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:04,480
Oh, and guess that? What button, do you think, the jump button is?

377
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,640
Take a guess.

378
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,620
"Up". Again.

379
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,680
But this time, they took it a step further.

380
00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:13,280
Jump HURTS you!

381
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,880
Yes, I am NOT kidding!

382
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,020
When you jump, you GET DAMAGED!

383
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:24,480
What moron decided that it was a good idea to make jumping hurt, you in a NINJA GAME?!

384
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:28,380
So, the whole point is to find items and bring them to the right places.

385
00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:34,220
Like here, you need to bring wax to the surfer who gives you change to give to the hobo, so you can get into his alley.

386
00:20:34,220 --> 00:20:38,940
The last guy in my way, is this dude with a truck who keeps asking you to bring him boxes.

387
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,600
Oh, c'mon man! There's a box right near you!

388
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,680
Are you so fucking lazy you can't
just walk over and get the box?!

389
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:50,740
Oh, but that's only one of them, because there's several scattered all over the place, and you have to find them all.

390
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:58,960
So after searching hours for the last one, I found that you need to get a key, and then go down to the hobo alley, and use it to open this door.

391
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:06,720
But how was I supposed to know that? This level is filled with doors that you can't go in, so when I first passed it, I thought it was just part of the scenery!

392
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,180
I had to replay this level EIGHT times.

393
00:21:09,340 --> 00:21:12,560
Checking every god damn door in town before I found it.

394
00:21:12,740 --> 00:21:15,300
And there it is, the last box.

395
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,180
Wait...

396
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:17,760
What...?

397
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,520
Is that a pixelated naked lady?

398
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,200
Okay, that made it worth it.

399
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,260
Next game.

400
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:26,900
Okay, now we have-

401
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:28,580
[laughs] Kang Fu--!

402
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:30,620
Ookaaaay!

403
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,500
First off, we need to talk about this cover art.

404
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:38,480
It's like a... shitty colored pencil sketch of a kangaroo with sunglasses.

405
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,240
And they must've been pretty proud of it,

406
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,140
because it's the title screen, too.

407
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:48,780
And not to mention, at the bottom of the cover, they single out the letters: G-R-E-E-D.

408
00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:51,700
So, the company who made this game is called "GREED".

409
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,880
On the back, it says this game shows the full "possibilities" of the CD32.

410
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,060
Oh, boy, I can't wait!

411
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,260
Okay...

412
00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:06,680
Is it gonna start?

413
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,540
It takes forever to start up.

414
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:15,880
I thought it was broken, because it stays on a black screen for almost two minutes.

415
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,020
But that's just how the game is.

416
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:19,460
[stammers]

417
00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:21,060
[then laughs]

418
00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:23,260
Wow...!

419
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,100
[stammers] O-o-oh, gosh! You could say this is random.

420
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:31,080
You got a spinning ball, scrolling pictures of kangaroos that keep glitching out,

421
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,320
And then, another black screen,

422
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,680
then a picture of a kangaroo,

423
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,680
then another black screen,

424
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,800
then the high score,

425
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:42,557
then ANOTHER black screen,

426
00:22:42,557 --> 00:22:45,100
and then, another kangaroo picture.

427
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,940
And then another black screen!

428
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:50,460
I'm not kidding! This is the actual game!

429
00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:55,500
Oh, and it's really showin' off all the possibilities of the CD32.

430
00:22:55,500 --> 00:23:01,380
For real! It's showing exactly how shitty a game can be for this console.

431
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,760
After eight and a half minutes, no exaggeration, I finally get to the start screen.

432
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,420
And, uh...

433
00:23:08,580 --> 00:23:09,080
What?

434
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,820
"Out of memory"?

435
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,220
What does "Out of memory" mean? Lemme check the instructions.

436
00:23:15,820 --> 00:23:24,020
"Open door, turn on CD32. Insert CD but WAIT with closing door till the music has played."

437
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:34,440
"Close door and game will boot automatically. Otherwise it will not boot due to a bug in the CD32 which will not free the memory as it should!"

438
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,280
This is historical.

439
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:45,960
Never... not once, have I ever had a game,
where the instructions tells you:

440
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:53,160
"By the way, this game is really fucked up, so you're gonna have to jump through all kinds of crazy hoops to get it to work!"

441
00:23:53,500 --> 00:24:00,720
So now, I gotta move my paint can, open the door 'til the music has played, close the door, and pop on the paint can.

442
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:05,100
This is not normal, but believe it or not, it actually works now.

443
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:08,440
And after all that, all the loading screens and everything,

444
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,000
it turns out to be...

445
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:13,320
...the worst game, of the ENTIRE stack.

446
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,120
It is... Un. Godly.

447
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:23,440
There is no style whatsoever. It is a complete mish-mash... of garbage!

448
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,160
Every character looks like they came from a different shitty game!

449
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:36,220
You fight weird cartoon chickens, dragon guys with axes, umbrellas, giant wasps, slinkies, and bouncing balls,

450
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,900
all on a realistic digitized backdrop.

451
00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:42,880
Like, t-this is too much to take in, so I'm just gonna give you a minute, just to breathe.

452
00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:44,940
[deep breath]

453
00:24:44,940 --> 00:24:45,640
Okay...

454
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,160
...you ready for me to continue?

455
00:24:47,740 --> 00:24:53,380
I've no idea what to do here. I just jump around, shooting a FUCKING MACHINE GUN!

456
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:59,040
Why is it called "Kang Fu", if he's not doin' kung fu? He-he's got a machine gun!

457
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,140
Pssh, oh, gosh.

458
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,540
Oh, I'd rather be playin' "Shaq Fu".

459
00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:06,580
I'd rather play "U2FU" and "Robin Williams Fu".

460
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:09,460
I thought I knew what bad games were.

461
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,440
I thought I was prepared... but I was wrong.

462
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,220
Oh, my God.

463
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,580
[breaks into laughter]

464
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,120
T-that game over screen...!

465
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,020
That is... I-I-I thought I've seen everything!

466
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:37,000
But they... they use a REAL... a ph-photo...

467
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,740
...yo-you go from a cartoony... kangaroo...

468
00:25:40,740 --> 00:25:45,480
...to a REAL picture, of a kangaroo skeleton in the fucking desert!

469
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,920
There is nothing you could ever tell me,

470
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:52,520
no proof you could present, that could
ever prove in my mind,

471
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:59,040
that the developers were NOT psychopaths, huffing the gallon of paint sitting on my CD32 right now.

472
00:25:59,180 --> 00:26:01,900
This was given a retail release.

473
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,120
People were able to buy this at a store!

474
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:10,220
The fact that I bought it, now, is one thing, but what if you bought this when it was new?

475
00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:14,600
What if it was your only game? Did anyone actually grow up with this thing?

476
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,340
Imagine the psychological effects!

477
00:26:17,980 --> 00:26:20,400
One more game: "Zool".

478
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:25,320
Well, it's pretty much the same as the Atari Jaguar "Zool 2",  which I already covered before. [See "Episode 65".]

479
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,620
It's a basic Platformer-Action game.

480
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,320
It's so average, it doesn't even matter.

481
00:26:30,620 --> 00:26:34,040
I don't have much else to say 'bout it, so let's just pretend I said nothing.

482
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,760
In fact, let's just forget all about the Amiga CD32.

483
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,980
Which is one of the worst consoles... I've ever played.

484
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:45,280
It's the equivalent of hyena diarrhea, and you know what hyenas eat?

485
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,960
The leftover scraps of dead animals that predators didn't want.

486
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:56,720
So, imagine a hyena's... decaying intestinal tract, sprang liquefied death sauce out its shit chute,

487
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:57,960
and there you have...

488
00:26:58,260 --> 00:27:00,040
...the "Amiga CD32".

489
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:02,680
Fuck this thing; watch it go!

490
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:07,520
[bottles rattling]

491
00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:10,680
All right [signs].

492
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,100
Oh, that's right, I should have tossed this, shit too.

493
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,080
Huh?

494
00:27:15,580 --> 00:27:21,300
"Warning: do not play Track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player."

495
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:23,200
Huh?

496
00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:24,680
Why not?

497
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:27,300
I have to find out.

498
00:27:28,060 --> 00:27:31,620
[Ominous music]

499
00:27:31,780 --> 00:00:00,000
[loud drum beat]

